New dawn

Realising that I wasn't very happy with how this blog turned out, and using my free time, I've made a new one:

http://frankiesdeviations.blogspot.com

contains all the works I'm particularly happy with.
Please visit and leave comments. I encourage you to visit that one more than this one

(cannot continue as is 20 past 12 and need food. Brain not working after 1 hour of typing in short story when was hungry to begin with)

Ponder

After reading some of the posts on my blog, I realise that I've spent more time ranting than actually putting any works in. That's annoying as 1) many of the rants seem fairly pointless and I wrote when I was just a bit bored and 2) I created this blog for my work and to express thoughts which are a little more interesting than random pointless complaints.

However, as I am here and I've had a small brain wave, I will enlighten the world with my most recent thought.

Larp season is upon us (Congregation of guilds, Healers event, Parliament, Heartland games...and others which I am too much of a coward to attend as I'm not a fighty person (rather a healer instead).
But now two thoughts begin to creep into my mind during my preparation for these events.
1) How to keep warm....the very first event I had gone to, I had never been camping before, and I had absolutely no idea what to take or do. I nearly died of hyperthermia, which was fun. Oh and I forgot to take the right food so I lived on cup a soups. I can now never look at a low budget cupasoup without feeling incredibly cold. However, Tom and I have been discussing and...lesson learnt, prepare to take every blanket and every duvet available and pad out the tent enough to cause us both to lie all warm and fuzzy on the freezing nights. Yes, the thermals will be packed and I don't care how dorky they look, even if I do look like Old Man Jimbob with them pulled up to my waist (I got size large cos there was no small to choose from).
The second thought is, is it wrong that at least 2000 people who attend these events would much rather play a character who has to worry about their life, getting shived up in the middle of the night, and have to fend for their lives against the elements, rather than worry about bills, rent and everyday problems.
Tom, I and the rest of the GTC (Good Trading Company) seem to agree on the fact that we feel sooo much more comfortable as the people we create in the fantasy world.
I feel so much more confident and relaxed as Narween Raulo (half-elf healer from the city of Bonsari) than myself. Tom has booked all his time off specifically just to be able to attend these events and has even sacrificed his weekend so we could all go to the Feast a few days ago.

I have to admit, it's a hobby which is GEEKY as hell...but god it's a lot of fun!

LIVE AND LET LIVE!

I had to add this in my blog. I just found it classic...
My father is the only man who would go up to one of those religious converters in the streets (the ones who have a HUGE space around them even in the most crowded areas and a megaphone) and make the comment 'didn't you know Jesus was a Muslim?'

I also saw someone go up to a guy in particular and say 'have you ever seen him?' but that's just a bit daft.

My views on this? Follow a religion, believe in God by all means, but for everyone's sake, don't try to convert those who don't want to be. It really bugs me when people feel they need to 'save' others. Why do they feel the have right to convert others thoughts, beliefs, opinions anyway? Live and let live.

I've had many friends who have had a religion or believe in God. They don't try and convert me (as an aethiest) and I don't try and make them see my views. I'm perfectly happy that way because I love the people they are with or without a religion.
People say it's a pain in the ass when they have a converter talk to them for half an hour on the evils in the world and how they have time to save themselves before etc etc. I personally find it offensive that two tourists on the plane with a girl I knew spent the ENTIRE trip (it was a trip to America from Britain) telling her why she shouldn't believe in God. They would have hated it if she'd tried to convert them, so why do they have a right to try and convert HER?

This has turned slightly longer than I thought so I'll sign off by saying.......
......LIVE AND LET LIVE!

Thank God....?

On a small continuation from my last post...

I was sitting at my desk today, and thinking about how positively things have turned out and I began thinking to myself along the lines of 'thank god things are working out'...then I realised how weird it was that such a statement would come into my mind when I am in fact an Atheist. I'm a bit of a hippy, believing in the spirits of nature, water, land etc. but I've never really got the hang of the whole idea that there's a big dude somewhere up there with a shimmering white beard and knowledge of all...I just couldn't get to grips with the whole idea that people would worship someone (of course a man) who created everything and follow the bible, something created by humanity (in which curiously, the only woman with a good soul being Mary) so I thought I'd go about letting others believe whilst I went my hippy way. So I thought, why am I thanking God for all the positive stuff that's happened lately. Then I found myself wishing there was something out there I could thank for all my good fortune...

Then it struck me. Sod it...I'll thank myself. The only reason things good happen in my life is because I make them happen.
I'm really happy because I've got a great larp outfit and I'm going to Larp events...the only reason that is, is because I earned cash (from a job which I pushed myself to get. that wasn't luck. I spent years learning the skills and contacted tons of people until I was notified), I spent 2 hours looking for an outfit then I found one. I'm going to the larp events because I booked it ( after Tom got the forms off the web) and sorted the check as opposed to sitting down and saying 'I'll do it later) I'm also happy because we're going away for a weekend, but the only reason that's happening is because I sat down and I searched the internet for places to go.

When people mention the good luck they've had, it's not because some out side force gave it to them...it's probably because they went out and did things to achieve it. It wasn't an out side force that got me into Brunel Uni. It was me doing all the chasing, and calling and pushing that got me in. And no one else wrote my dissertation for me. I spent hours on that thing until I was happy with it and that got me a good grade. No one else did it for me, so why should I thank them? Of course I was given assistance, which I AM grateful for, but I actually wrote the thing.

So the next time I think to myself 'Thank God this has happened...' unless it's something completely out of my control which happened positively, I will remind myself the reason it happened was because I made it happen. I pulled my finger out and did it.

Morrrooooooo

Every so often, when I feel an internal struggle and I'm confused about my true feelings because i'm trying to put on a face to others, and I want to know how I really feel, I look deep within myself and picture my 'inner child'. Sometimes it's just standing there, it's mouth wide open, screaming a long AAARGH!! Other times its sitting melancholy in the corner of my mind, sighing pitifully. On occasion, it just stands there, a faint smile on it's face.
Now it's currently doing a little tap dance, a smile on it's face and it's arms flailing in rhythm, singing, dada du daa dadada du da daaaa and ending the dance with 'jazz hands' and a big cheesy smile on it's face and muttering a breathy 'yeeeaaaahhh!'.

I get the impression, it's possibly suggesting I'm feeling a bit pleased with how things are going so far this year.

Last year had such a turmoil of emotions (break ups, new starts and so forth), half the time I felt many things were going wrong and I was constantly ****ed off and very wound up and unfortunately I entered the 'dear god it's all happening to me!!' stage on several occasions. December came and dear god I could not wait for the year to be over.
As soon as January started, I felt sooo much better. Things suddenly seemed to go my way, I was finally able to take the bull by the horns and sort myself out. It was brilliant. Of course the damper has been getting two colds in the space of two months, but eh...whatcha gona do.

This could either have been pure coicidence; a good year making up for a bit of a crap ending last year, or I managed to work it myself with thoughtful boosts of 'clean year, clean start'.
I still stand by the whole 'there isn't really bad luck, just the idea of it' and if a person catches themselves early on they can prevent themselves having a bad day. I did once. Could have been worse but I prevented it through psychology, watching everything I said and stepping carefully so I wouldn't make a fool out of myself and feel terrible the rest of the day (worked a charm!)

I think I'm also feeling this chirpy as it's the first time I've slept properly in so damned long. Sure I woke at 4 this morning as usual, but at least I'm not watching the clock avidly now waiting for 5 to come as usual.

I've figured to key to me being happy is sleep well, exercise and giving myself things to look forward to. Helps get through the monotony of 9-5 every...sodding...day.

Well...it's all good :)

Note: random title due to could be arsed to think of something better and pretty much sums up my attitude today

Keeping up appearances

I have a lot of pet hates this day and age. Not too many to make me sound crabby, but enough to save up when I'm 80 and all i enjoy doing is sitting in an arm chair commenting about the world around me with a blanket on my legs.
However, my no.1 pet hate has to be, the issues of weight.

Now, being overweight is scorned these days due to illnesses etc. and yet being as skinny as me ain't so dandy either. These days, everytime someone says 'why don't you eat more?' I either look at them with that evil glint in my eye, or reply with 'because I hate food' (which is a lie but probably what they expect to hear). If they react with shock and say 'really??' I reply, 'no but I'm fed up of that god damn question.'
It's not my fault I'm skinny. I don't visit the loo the throw up, eat less than I should, I don't take things to make myself this way.
I just happen to have a fast metabolism and be a very active person. I would much rather walk the 30 mins home from the broadway station then wait 15 mins for the bus which I can out walk due to traffic.
And yet, I feel guilty when I'm watched with envy, and feel I shouldnt be the way I am for the sake of others.
My childhood consisted of games of trying to make me gain weight. At first they were funny, but then it pissed me off because I began to realise it could have been seen as a slight (unintentional) slur on the way my mother fed me. Although I admit I was a pain in the arse to feed as I thought it was a waste of time when I could be doing something much more interesting. Now, however, I appreciate my mother's food much more as I've matured!
It annoys me that I can't join girly conversations because guaranteed it's going to turn to the topic of clothing and someone will say 'and then I realised I was no longer a size 12. you know what its like seeing that style you like you just can't work', and naturally I then get quick 'looks' from the group engaged in a conversation I really can't join. And god forbid if I make a jokey reference to myself dieting.

So trust me....if you say I'm lucky because I'm this size, the truth is I don't feel it. Try being envied/hated for the body you can't help having. It's not fun. I can't even wear certain outfits on certain occasions as I want to avoid the looks of 'god does she eat??' from others.
The answer is YES I DO! Unfortunately, I don't have a large appetite so I don't eat much, and it's a pain in the arse because I'm constantly hungry, yet get full up too soon. And the reason I will always leave that little bit of food on the plate is because I feel if I eat that one last piece, I'll become full and bloated, preventing me from partaking in the activity planned for the day without feeling like I'm carrying a weight around inside me and feeling sluggish....not because I'm trying to control my figure. For example, Tom and I went to dinner. I ate most of the pasta on my plate until I physically couldn't any more as I could feel the waitresses looking at me. Then for the first hour of the film we went to see, all I could think of was 'dear god I am full!!' I felt like I could barely move, and I hated it because I couldn't concentrate on the film.

I've tried milkshakes, and I've tried eating high calorie, high fat foods (I'm not the biggest fan of cream cakes and such) but it never makes a difference.

I don't mind people commenting on my weight. That I don't mind at all. What bugs me is when people make comments making it sound like I haven't tried to gain weight, or it's my fault I'm 'too skinny'.
If I went up to someone and said 'god your huge...have you tried eating less?' I would be seen as a social insect and frowned upon.
I don't tell people to loose weight....what gives them the right to tell me I'm too skinny and to gain weight?

I'm sorry if this sounds crabby and naggy, but I've lived with this issue for most my life now....I feel I have a right to talk out about it

Just a little something...

I took this little idea from Tom's webpage (link should be on the right somewhere)
Just a little something...can't think of anything philosophical to write because of my current surroundings...so then...enjoy

Ten years ago, I:
1. I was 12, looking at my fellow school children, fascinated by their mentalities
2. being laughed at for being different (whilst I laughed at them for being the same)
3. Longing for the days I could stop studying

Five years ago, I:
1. Just entered college and discovered 16 year olds can be as bad as 12 year olds.
2. was Getting mentally messed around by my first boyfriend and 'friends'.
3. Was encountering experiences which have made me much stronger.

One year ago, I:
1. was hating every minute of uni work.
2. was struggling in a relationship which had really run it's course but trying not to loose a friend.
3. Finding a new life with people who've been fantastic.

So far this year, I:
1. Feel finally at peace with a man who's everything I want and more.
2. Finally graduated and got a job
3. Finally feel like I'm where I've been wanting to be all these years

Yesterday, I:
1. Decided to start a new thread in the weave of my life
2. Loved him just that little bit more (lol feel the cheese)
3. Became incredibly relieved finding out that the person banging on the window was my housemate who'd forgotten her keys, not a mad axe-wielding drunkerd who felt bored.

Today, I:
1. Warmed up the room for Tom who came in from -6 after his night shift.
2. Became more adament to change that new thread in my life.
3. Hated another person due to their complete disrespect towards me in something that had nothing to do with me

Tomorrow, I:
1. will appreciate the fact that I live with Tom and don't have to make special time or I'd never see him.
2. Wait for my debit card to arrive a little longer
3. Start hoping that Tom gets his time off for the spring feast.

In one year, I will:
1. As Tom says, be living with him in our own little place.
2. hopefully be rising the ranks of my new job.
3. still be in contact with all my friends (you know who you are).

In five years, I will:
1. have my own mag.
2. Possibly have a new car (I'm sure this one is on it's last legs).
3. start thinking 'where will I be in 5 years time.

But we'll see...take cross every bridge as you get to it. And walk, don't run, or there's a chance of tripping